Wow

Wow.

Guess why I haven't posted?...

It's been pretty tough the past couple months. We've been here almost a year now and things have been completely different than I would have ever planned. In the past couple of weeks we as a church have hit a place where we are all being called to get humble.  I am amazed at how much I need to grow in the area of communication and reconciliation.

Personally I have had quite an eye opening experience with my pride. It is overshadowing, infusing, and imposing. Not only am I seeing it now more clearly, I am realizing what a wrestling match it is (and will be) to change. It's amazing to think I've made it so far as a disciple of Jesus and yet have such glaring sin hiding out in my heart.

I see the pride coming out in many ways. One huge area is in my relationships with leaders in the church. I am understanding how critical and prideful I have been with many people. It does not feel good to realize what I've been doing and am still struggling with in this area. The awesome side of this is that I am getting the chance to see my sin and go to God for change. Pride is interesting in that it works against me in this way; that I see change needs to happen, but I turn to myself (pride) to change it. Then ultimately the change does not last.

Another huge area where pride is running rampant at times is my family. I lack consideration, I wrap myself in myself, I fight for me... Then I wonder why my wife and kids are hurting, troubled, and in need. It's me. I have such an impact on them and yet skirt my God appointed role. Not only that, but it has an overflow effect on the church. As a man who should be maturing I should manage my house well so that I will have a clear eye for helping my brothers and sisters (family of God). The weight is too heavy sometimes - too heavy for a prideful man...

John 15:15-17
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.

Fruit that will last...

How many times have I made efforts and changes just to see them evaporate; In my heart, in my marriage, with my sin. It does not last because it is not powered by Jesus.

So hard. Here on this mission team I almost feel like I'm starting over in some ways. Like a reboot. I am thinking this is perhaps very common for a mission team setting. I can relate to why Mark may have abandoned Paul while on the mission trip with him. At the same time I can relate to how Paul, Peter, Barnabas, Apollos... grew stronger with the challenges of mission work.

I'm not at all sure of where I am headed in the near future. I do see that I can hang my hat on Jesus, who is the author of life. As much as I want to know, control, and get my way - I am being reminded:

Philippians 4:5-7
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I need help to be gentle. I need to dwell on prayer and thanksgiving. I want that peace. My prideful heart needs a guard. Help me Jesus!

Amen.